I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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