Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
39 Memes Anyone Who Cries When They See Their Bank Account Will Relate To
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle