i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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