i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
