someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
