I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
