I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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