meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
