i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
