I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
