I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I'm really busy with my period
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