meet me or not, i'm out of control
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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