More tranny stories later!
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
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She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
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The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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