I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
