I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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