9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
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