the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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