I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
