Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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