you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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