A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
