Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
