I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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