Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
