Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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