Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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