i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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