The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
