Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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