i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize