So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
operation harelip BJ is a go
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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