just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
