I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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