Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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