Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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