It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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