ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Randomize
