i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
