what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
