This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
