Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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