How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
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I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
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I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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