My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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