in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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