Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
