You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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