I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
