I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
