Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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