your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
