uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Farmville is her only friend.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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